I am supposed to be writing a thesis this semester, finishing a thesis.  I thought it would be fun, challenging but ultimately fulfilling.  I was eager, but now I find that I am just angry.  I think about working on it and the muscles in my upper back start to tighten, pulling the triangle of shoulders and neck tighter and tighter until it is almost a straight line.  I am angry because the way that I am living is completely against everything that I believe in, am trying to learn, hoping to be.  Right now, I don’t even have time to think.  I can’t process the things I read or what happens to me because so much is required just to keep up, keep my head above water and keep from drowning.  All the reading; meetings, classes and teaching; planning classes, teaching them and grading; tutoring and mentoring students; all the writing/homework I have to do, all the writing/homework I should do, and all the writing/reading/thinking/breathing I want to do; the comprehension and theorizing that I am supposed to be capable of, even though I find it hard to concentrate.  I have no time for my husband or dog, and forget about friends or family.  

© Salahub 2003