I
am supposed to be writing a thesis this semester, finishing a thesis.
I thought it would be fun, challenging but ultimately fulfilling.
I was eager, but now I find that I am just angry.
I think about working on it and the muscles in my upper back
start to tighten, pulling the triangle of shoulders and neck tighter and
tighter until it is almost a straight line.
I am angry because the way that I am living is completely against
everything that I believe in, am trying to learn, hoping to be.
Right now, I don’t even have time to think. I can’t process the things I read or what happens to me
because so much is required just to keep up, keep my head above water
and keep from drowning. All
the reading; meetings, classes and teaching; planning classes, teaching
them and grading; tutoring and mentoring students; all the
writing/homework I have to do, all the writing/homework I should do, and
all the writing/reading/thinking/breathing I want to do; the
comprehension and theorizing that I am supposed to be capable of, even
though I find it hard to concentrate.
I have no time for my husband or dog, and forget about friends or
family.
© Salahub 2003 |