Dr. P. is a cognitive-behaviorist, so the therapy that she suggests, simply put, focuses on changing the way one thinks and acts.  This seems simple enough and I’d like to say that I felt relieved, but for the first four weeks, I actually felt worse.  Suddenly, I was supposed to be aware and conscious of things that I had been avoiding and trying my best to bury.  I knew that things had to change, that I had to live differently, but I was scared and not sure if I was capable. 

I knew part of my struggle would be to become more present in my life, more mindful.  I had to learn to live in the moment, rather than worrying about what might happen or mourning the mistakes I had already made.  Earlier, when I had been researching lucid dreaming for the short story I had written, I’d read a quote from a dreamer that had stayed with me.  When explaining the wonder of a lucid dream, he’d said, “It’s the  freedom, I guess; we see that we truly are in control of our own universe.”  My chest tightened around that one word, “freedom.”


© Salahub 2003