By nature, I am a shy and nervous person. This is compounded by the fact that I am a perfectionist. I have unrealistic expectations of myself, and when I don't meet them (which I can't, they are set impossibly out of my reach), I get very disgusted with myself and begin an abusive internal dialogue that manifests itself as an utter lack of self confidence. I also have an irrational belief that I should be able to control everything and, therefore, if anything goes wrong, it must be my fault. 

Another defect in my personality that makes confronting new situations and people hard for me is that if I am facing the prospect of any social interaction, I fuss and worry about it much ahead of time. I go so far as to consider all the possible scenarios and practice, both while I'm asleep and awake, how I will react and what I will say in those different situations. I try to anticipate and plan for every possible variation. The more important or scary the situation, the more I obsess about it. People acquainted with me find this hard to believe, as I hide it very well. I am able to seem gregarious while secretly I am nauseous and exhausted from all the preparation I did in order to seem so at ease.


© Salahub 2003