My Own Quest for Happiness
Previously in my life, I couldn't afford self-awareness. If I would have looked too closely at the life I was living, thought too much about it, I probably wouldn't have been able to survive it. It would have been too depressing to become fully aware of my real existence. I was at the lowest level of the hierarchy, struggling to meet my most basic needs. I didn't have the time, energy or heart for anything beyond that. Somehow, when things got bad enough--the proverbial "rock bottom"--I was able to finally be honest with myself and take a hard look at myself and my life. I decided that I couldn't keep going in the same way. I had to do something different or die.
Things slowly got better for me. A little at a time, I was able to look closer at who I was. I began to forgive myself--along with all the others I had unknowingly recruited along the way to help tear me down. I worked my way through where I had been and where I was, and was finally able to start thinking about where I wanted to go. I started spending a lot of time outside, hiking and camping. I read lots of books and started writing again, remembering just how much I value them both. I spent more time with my family and talked to them about things, important things. I started to trust my instincts. I found love and got married. I went back to school, finished college, and decided to go on to graduate school.
I finally reached the place a few years ago where I no longer had to worry about having enough money or being loved, and I finally stopped spending so much energy feeling ashamed and hating myself. For a split second I thought to myself, "now this is happiness." In the next second, I realized that if it felt this good to have just my most basic needs met, there must be an even higher level of joy that I hadn't yet experienced. I find myself now at the next level.