'Tucky Continued

So I decide to look up some more information on Kentucky to help with this essay. There might be some important facts I want to incorporate into it. You know, information to help dispel all those silly myths about Kentucky. First, let me say. I have a closet full of shoes to rival Immelda and wear them often. And, I have never dated my brother--neither of them.

I call my mom and ask her to send me a map of Kentucky. "Nothing fancy," I say. "Just a map that has the whole state on it. I’m going to write an essay. I just want it for reference."

My mom replies, "Oh sure, I’ll mail it out right away."

Two days later, mom calls me to tell me she’s mailed me a package. "It’s a large manilla envelope," she explains. My mom does this whenever she mails something to me. She describes not only the contents of the package, but its color, approximate size, how she’s addressed it, and any other identifying marks. This is just in case I don’t get it, then I will be able to properly report it lost or stolen to the authorities. Or perhaps I might see it lying around somewhere and because I have a description, I would be able to recognize it. I can’t help but think to myself, it’s just a flippin’ map of Kentucky. I should have just gone to the bookstore myself to find one. But she adds the "mom" bonuses in there. She tells me she called a friend of the family who just happens to be a Sheriff and runs the Sheriff’s ranch. Don’t ask me what that is.

I think while she talks, Is that where they breed Sheriff’s? Do they feed them lots of biscuits and red eye gravy so they develop the proper gut? Do they get to pick a new name once they make it to a certain point? Names like, Buford or Billy Mack, or better yet, a string of initials such as H.V. or T.C. and then have a nickname like Buddy or Rocky.

She explains that she called him to get an extra map of the counties and a list of the county seat for each one.

"Gee mom, you didn’t have to do all that," I say.

"There’s a list of names, phone numbers and addresses for all the county seats," she repeats enthusiastically.

"Wow Mom, thanks." Then I think, Boy that’ll really help will my essay. I’ll be able to call or write to all 120 sheriffs. I bite my tongue and force myself to just thank her profusely for sending me the information.

but wait, there's more