What I realized after thinking about this encounter was that the type of teaching I was doing and the environment I did it in necessitated a denial of self that I was not at all comfortable with AND—this was the most significant part—my student's were cheated out of my true and actual talents.  If I couldn’t be myself, couldn’t teach what I believed to be important, what I knew…what had I really given them? Of what value was I to them under those circumstances? What (wow, what does it mean that in order to tell this story, I have had to use the word what so many times?) seemed to be important to me was the universal thing about teaching—that fact that no matter the subject or topic, you can influence a group of students to leave and be better people.  I hadn't felt able to do that.  I was restricted to helping them be more effective writers, and even that aspect of what I was doing seemed to fall short because it wasn’t as connected to who I was as it should have been.  I truly believed that teaching is a personal thing, a relationship between people, and the way I had approached it thus far was empty of that essential element.

© Salahub 2003