I have an overactive imagination which tends to spend most of its energy imagining the worst, and at night, the dark is like the blue screens they use in movie making.  When the actor is put in front of the screen, any image, reality or illusion, can be added during production and made to look absolutely real.  In the dark, my mind has the same capacity, always has, and I don’t exactly expect this to change.  However, this fear has started to infect and alter my life in the light of day.

While fear has been a constant part of my personality and has had a lasting presence in my life, in my twenties and early thirties, it gradually seeped into more and more of my experience and drained all the color out.  It was next to impossible for me to relax.  My muscles were constantly tensed, as if waiting and prepared for some grand action, when actually they never moved beyond anything ordinary.  It is almost impossible to cultivate positive attitudes and beliefs when stuck in survival mode.  Overwhelmed by the stress of my fear, my life became a series of short-term emergencies.  I lost the ability to relax and enjoy the moment.  I lived from crisis to crisis, with no relief in sight.  What would ultimately have to happen was for me to finally decide, once and for all, whether I was going to fight my fear or continue to flee.