The four years that I spent in Durham, North Carolina, were probably the darkest of my life. Talk about trauma. If only I could. It's been almost four years since I did my four years there (I always say it like this because it felt a lot like a punishment or prison term) and I still have trouble talking about it. I have trouble communicating it in any form, but talking about it is always the hardest because my body starts to physically react--my throat constricts, my mouth dries, my eyes tear and wander, my soul shudders.
I have just recently begun to come to grips with my "Duke Experience"; an experience that in no way resembled the brochures or videotapes I viewed before going there. My experience was similar to what was shown on 20/20 (or Dateline or whatever news magazine decided to investigate race relations on the campus in the early part of 1993). My experience was that I wasn't good enough to be there (or so I was repeatedly told). Being a black female there meant that you were a quota, a token, an inferior student taking the place of a more qualified white student. If you were tall and appeared athletic, which I was and did, you weren't completely pigeonholed. Some people didn't just perceive me as a quota; to some I had to be an athlete, which still meant I hadn't earned my place.
My first experience with a professor there (which set the tone for the downward spiral that crushed my spirit and deadened my eyes) amounted to me walking in his office, and before I could even introduce myself, he said, "So, what sport do you play?" I replied, "I don't play a sport." He laughed and followed with, "Well, then why are you here?" I don't remeber what I said. I remember that that was the first time my own body revolted against me, choked me, silenced me. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words and attitudes crushed me. If I misunderstood anything that this professor was trying to tell me, he later showed his true colors and made it very clear when he communicated to me that he didn't think I could possibly be as stupid as my first exam had indicated. My thought two months down, only three years to go.